


Just Trying to fix it ( English Version)

by Mrs12A



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27284344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs12A/pseuds/Mrs12A
Summary: OS collection based on The 100 series.I will start from real scenes in most chapters.Most of them will be centered on Clarke and Bellamy and their exceptional bond, but other scenes or characters may inspire me...Here are some alternatives...English is not my native language, so I hope that my translation will be well done, I write in French basically.Enjoy !!!
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Kudos: 5





	1. 7x16 - Version 1 - The Other side

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OnlyZouzou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyZouzou/gifts).



_Holding on now to memories that won't let go of me  
Reminding me that you're gone and I am the one that can't breathe  
I can't breathe_ _I know I'll see you  
I know I'll see you on the other side  
I know I'll see you  
I know I'll see you on the other side  
The other side_ _Oh, wait for me  
In fields of gold  
It's not the end  
It's all I know_

_-The Other Side by Gaits ... (Because I had so much hope in this song for the end of the series)_

**_ CLARKE POV _ **

I'm running out of breath, I have to hurry. I only have a few minutes, maybe a few seconds left before the end. I must reach Madi before the extinction of our race. The human race. Humanity is going to be extinct and it is largely because of me. I must be at her side, I must say goodbye. She is all I have left. I fought for her, I tried everything, and then I lost everything. I screwed it all up. It's clear that I messed up. Looks like the great Wanheda got caught at her own game. I disgust myself.

The hallways all look the same and yet I feel like I know the way by heart without even thinking. I hate these cursed corridors. I hate this fucking planet. But most of all, I hate myself. It's all my fault. I always felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...well today I really do, and I didn't have the shoulders strong enough.

When did I start losing myself? When did I become the one who ended what was left of humanity? The truth is that I don't know. Too much has happened in the last few weeks, in the last few days. I've lost too much, and in trying to hold on to what little I had left, I've lost even more. I have become my worst nightmare. The worst monster.There will be no magical time when harmony will suddenly be restored and the pain will fade away. My heart has never completely healed its wounds, I have been accumulating them one by one until it overflows. I hate myself. My anger was forged by my self-loathing. I hate this feeling that I can only blame myself in the end, this dark despair that I have ruined everything, all by myself.

I run again and again, only a few dozen meters more and I will soon find my daughter. I just want to be able to tell her how sorry I am, to say goodbye, to hold her in my arms to soothe our last moments. It won't take away any of my guilt, it won't soothe me. But I don't want her to be alone to live this tragic moment. Only what remains of my soul still cries out for her to hold my daughter to me one last time.

The judge didn't tell me how much time we had left. She didn't give any details or explain how it was going to happen. Her, Lexa... well, her image.

At first I was happy to see her, relieved even. I thought again of the city of the lights, I didn't think of the judge at all. I thought it was her. Then I threw myself into her arms. Lexa loved me, she supported me, she believed in me... And I needed more than support! But I soon realized that it wasn't her.

It seems that this judge is taking on the appearance of the person we want, a person who is important to us. It is our subconscious that defines who appears. And even though I was surprised at the time, I now realize why it was her... Yes, the only person I felt able to confront.The only one who was able to calm me down in the moment.

My heart should have shown me one of my parents, or Bellamy... But I didn't want to face their look, their disappointment. I couldn't bear it. I had betrayed them, I had disappointed them. I had messed up everything… doing better, being the good guys... I had ruined everything. I had signed my loss anyway when I pulled that trigger, taking the life of my best friend, my soul mate, the person who had helped me through all those years, all those hardships. So yes, it could only have been Lexa, the one look I could still hold without cracking. Lexa was my greatest teacher since I came to Earth. I had tried to use her as an inspiration to lead my people. She made me the person I am today, for better or for worse. I admired her, I even loved her, I think; unless it was her love for me and my admiration for her that made me think I loved her. Because today I know that there has always been only one person in my heart, from the beginning, Bellamy ...

I tried to be like her, trying to silence my heart for the sake of my head, to protect my own. Acting as a leader, as a commander. And yet...it didn't work for me. When you try to control everything too much, you end up breaking up. I learned that at my own expense. There are some things you shouldn't try to control. You have to know how to let go...

I finally arrive at the M-cap.

I run towards Madi. My whole being yearns to find her. I tenderly take her face in my hands « **Hey Baby, I'm here** ». What's left of my heart breaks when I see the state she's in, a vegetable. And I have ruined the last hope of saving her. She's going to die, I'm going to die, we're all going to die, because of me. « **I'm so sorry, I've failed you, I've failed everyone.** » JI let my tears fall during this last confession. I lay my head against her, still motionless, I can hear her heart beating, I cling to that sound. I can't stop my tears from flowing.

I can't help but think back to what I did, what I could have done to avoid all this... Maybe the one and the only solution was not so difficult after all: I should have simply trusted him. Trusting the one person who never abandoned me, who always supported me, always followed me, never abandoned me... Why the hell didn't I trust him? Instead, I pulled the trigger and he died by my hand. I killed the man I loved. Because I did love him. In fact, it was much more than love. With Madi, he was the only spark of light I could see in this life. He understood me like no one else. I knew that my love was mutual. And yet, we never took that small step, we could never let those few words come out of our mouths. But we knew it. He loved me too soon, I wasn't ready. I loved him too late, when he was already committed... But it didn't matter. We knew that we belonged to each other, that we were bound together in that kind of bond from which we can't detach ourselves. He was my soul mate, and I killed him. Just for that reason, I deserve all that, I deserve to suffer, I deserve to die. Maybe in death, I could find him again... but will he forgive me for this ultimate betrayal? Certainly not this time. In any case, I won't forgive myself. In life as in death.

Minutes go by and nothing happens. I untie Madi so that I can lay her down on me and take her in my arms. My tears always flow tirelessly.

I wait patiently for our time, I am exhausted. I want to end it all. Suddenly, Madi starts to shine... It's beautiful, she becomes gold.

I realize: « **Raven went in** ».

My daughter's body starts to sparkle and then the glow escapes. It shines once again, but goes out in a burst. I understand then that Madi is resisting. She doesn't want to transcend. She doesn't want to leave me. I don't deserve it. I want to save her. Bellamy was right. From the beginning he was right and I didn't even try for one second to let him convince me.

And yet this transcendence that he believed in so much is what is trying to save Madi.

I know I won't be able to do it. The judge was clear, I don't deserve to evolve. But Madi does. And I want her to live. I can feel that my daughter will be in a good place for her. And that's the most important thing.

I swallow my tears and gently explain it to her: « **It's okay. I know you don't want to leave me... but you have to go now. This gives you a chance to live. Let go, Madi. Just let go. I'll be okay** » And I mean it... I will be fine. I will be fine, because I don't intend to linger in this life much longer. I am tired, exhausted, overwhelmed with shame and guilt. I just want it to stop. Join the other side, whatever is behind it.

Her body starts to sparkle more and more until it forms a beautiful luminous ball floating in the air. I can't take my eyes off this miracle... I watch it rise into the sky... « **I love you forever, Madi, forever. »**

The sphere has evaporated. Madi is saved, I think. She has transcended. I don't know how Raven managed to convince her judge and if she did it on her own... But she managed to make up for the mess I made, that's the most important thing.

I still allow myself to cry for a few more minutes and then I decide to go and see if there are other people besides me who haven't been judged capable of transcending. I go to the battlefield where I find only humanoid forms of light. Everyone seems to have evolved on Bardo. All my friends have transcended. I am happy for them. I'm truly happy for them.

I return to the stone where I find the lifeless body of Cadogan... The dead don't transcend. I get a little twinge in my heart when I pass by. I almost regret my gesture. I said almost.

Yes, he was right deep down, transcendence exists. But he tortured my daughter, reduced her to a vegetable, and destroyed her brain to gain access to it. And I will never support that. I don't think he would have passed the test either. So if I had to do it all over again, I would kill him again.

So I activate the stone to go to Sanctum. There everything seems the same, everyone has evolved, there are no traces of people. There is only me.

I'm in the main room, back near the stone. That's where the flood of emotions I was trying to contain overwhelms me. I lower my eyes to the floor still red from the traces of blood that couldn't be cleansed... His blood. The blood I shed.

I fall to the ground where his body was. What did they do with it anyway? Was he even allowed to have a funeral? A ceremony? I don't think so. Bardo's guards probably brought him back with them and sent him to Nakara, and that's a place I can't go back on my own. Anyway, it wouldn't do any use at all.

I just scream and let all the tears pour out of my body. After all we have lived these last days, these last hours, all the losses I have just suffered... It' s still this gesture that I regret the most and that makes me suffer the most. I am a monster, a fucking monster. I'm the one who deserves to die, not him. He would have saved them all and I know deep down inside that he would have found another solution so that Madi wouldn't have been tortured for it.I was blinded by my fear, I panicked, I lost control. I killed him and I killed myself at the same time. Because everything that defined me was already dead inside.

Why stay now? I won't live alone as I did after the Praimfaya. This time I have no hope, no one to hang on to. All I wish is to end it all... to join him on the other side, whatever it may be.

I grab one of the abandoned revolvers and make sure it's loaded. I don't want to suffer the shock of having to do it a second time.

I sit right where I last saw it. "I'm sorry. » He said to me.Sorry for what? I'm the one who should be sorry.I'm sorry I couldn't trust him. I'm sorry that I didn't make his life a priority when he always did. He literally brought me back from the dead, bringing back my heart... Head and heart... And I shattered his heart into a thousand pieces as I had done more than once before, only this time it wasn't a metaphor...

I didn't even get to say goodbye. He died alone, without the forgiveness or understanding of his loved ones... I gave him the worst possible death. He really didn't deserve that. So just for that I don't deserve to have transcended and I'm glad I ended up like that. I want to go to his side, to join him. I want to die as a human. No superlative will ever be strong enough to describe how I feel since I killed him. I hate myself, and I hate every fiber in my body. I hate myself, and I hate this humanity for which we have sacrificed our own.

I raise my arm and point my gun at my forehead... I drop a last tear. I'm about to pull the trigger and I finally turn around... I lower my arm to point my gun at my heart, exactly where the bullet I fired took his life. I want to suffer the same thing he did. I have to. One more sob escapes. I have to be strong.

« **Forgive me Madi** » I whispered towards the sky as if she could hear me.

« **I'm going to join him O...** » I added to Octavia, who supported me without hesitation despite what I had done. My fingers loosened from the trigger of my gun. I can already feel the tears burning my eyes, and the fear of the stranger tying my stomach.

« **The head and the heart...May we meet again** » I finally say it as a last prayer... I squeeze the trigger and pain comes over me. I choke on my own blood. I no longer cry. My body slumps in the same place as his... I sink into nothingness.

I open my eyes with difficulty. My heart aches... The memories come back to me and I reach for the place that is supposed to be bathed in blood. My body seems to have left no trace of the impact, yet I felt it. I felt the life leaving my heart when I choked in my own blood. I slowly straightened up as my head was still spinning slightly. I feel like I drank too much Moonshine. I hate this feeling. I look around and realize that I am in a very familiar place, the metallic smell rises to my nostrils and I realize that I missed it more than I could admit. How could this happen? I'm on the dropship!

I stand up and walk slowly. This is the dropship, exactly the same in which we were sent to Earth as guinea pigs.Every square meter reminds me of a very special moment. These memories soothe me in a strange way. We had a lot of hard times in there and yet this place means so much to me. I walk towards the door where the curtains that delimit the opening have remained intact. I don't know where I am, but I know very well that the dropship no longer exists. I went to this place hundreds of times after the Praimfaya and nothing remained.

I put my hand on the opening lever even if the door is already open. I am afraid to set foot outside, afraid of what I will discover, afraid that it will all evaporate... I turn around to the ladder... « _Stop the air could be toxic! » « If the air is toxic, we’ll all die anyway._ »… A shiver runs through my skin as my memory takes me back to where it all really began; that moment when I looked into his black eyes and knew that a special bond would connect me to him somehow. It scared me so much. I had never felt such a connection before and I have never felt it with anyone else with such intensity. I loved, admired, protected... But despite everything my heart and soul always belonged to him. Instead of fully embracing my desires, I struggled relentlessly. I have been a coward. The great Wanheda was afraid and this is how I ended, ending my own life after one final failure! Pathetic isn't it?

I feel a tear running down my cheek. I thought I would be in peace. I really wanted to end it for good by pulling the trigger, but here I am, back to where I started, obviously alone in the world, again. I am in hell, condemned to live through my regrets. How could it be otherwise?

I decide to go outside... « _We're back, bitches!_ » This memory at least has the merit of drying my tears and tearing off a shy smile.

Outside, there is nothing, a dead calm. The camp is exactly as it was: the tents, the campfire that I had extinguished next to Bellamy during our last battle... Nothing has moved. It's as if I had gone back in time. Except that the happy mess that characterized our group is now only silence and I am alone.

I go mechanically to HIS tent. I have never dared to go in there much... His things are there, his bed is undone. I grab the blanket that is on his bed and hold it tightly against me. I hold it to my face so that I can breathe it in... Its smell is his smell... I bury my head in it and it's too much: I start to cry all the tears of my body. I miss him so much... Why can I still feel? I wanted to die! Was I so bad to be inflicted with this?

I lie on his bed, curled up in a ball, the blanket still hugging me like a priceless treasure... I allow myself those few more minutes in his world before trying to pay the ultimate price, again, to end myself for good... The pain in me will never end. It is a lack that I will carry with me forever.

« **So the commander of death finally gave up the game! If I had been told that you would finally send yourself to the Promise land!** » This familiar voice that has no qualms about joking about my fate makes me jump and straighten up sharply... What the fuck?

Jasper.

No words can come out of my mouth. I release the blanket sharply as I step back. I can only look at him with shocked eyes which makes him laugh even more.

« **What? Aren't you happy to see me? You look like you've seen a ghost.** » He is still having fun.

« **J-J-Ja-Jasper ?** » I stammered nervously.

« **In the flesh! Well, so to speak!** » He answered me with a big smile!

« **H-Ho-How?** »

« **Do you want to know how I can stand there in front of you, laughing? Simple answer: You're dead, I'm dead… Ta-dah!!!** »

I don't answer and just swallow the ball that has formed at the back of my throat. He continues: « **Well, it would seem that the great Wanheda has lost her spirit vivacity! We're on the other side Clarke! The afterlife, the next world... Call it what you want! I thought you were smarter than that. Well, it would seem that the great Wanheda has lost her spirit vivacity! We're on the other side Clarke! The afterlife, the Beyond... Call it what you want! I thought you were smarter than that.** »

I take a deep breath to assimilate this announcement and come to my senses.

« **Jasper... I... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being who I am. I realize if I was different you wouldn't have had to end up like this. I have so much to tell you, but I'm at a loss for words. So I'll just say I'm sorry over and over again. Anyway, that's all I know how to say. I'm sorry I broke your heart. It's all my fault, you were right. I'm ruining everything. I was the problem from the beginning.** »

« **Are you done? Is that all you can think of? Don't you have any good questions????** »

I look at him frankly, not knowing what to say to him. Of course, I have a billion questions, but right now, I want him to know how much I blame myself for everything. He died hating me and I have never forgiven myself for what I did to him. 

Seeing that I won't add anything, he goes on: « **It's okay Clarke, chill out. It's lost to history. What's your line again? If you're looking for forgiveness, I give it to you? Something like that, right? Seriously, I was mad at you enough when I was alive, we're cool now. I've seen everything you've been through, I've seen things differently from here, you know. Besides, I'm happy, we all are. I found Maya again...** »

**« Maya is there too?** »

« **Yes, of course. And not only Maya.** »

« **What do you mean?** »

« **You'll soon realize by yourself, it's quite complicated, but not so much in the end. I think we're in heaven...like not the clouds, the angels and all the horsemen no! But in a way it looks like it. In the end it looks like you weren't judged so bad since you're here with us.** »

« **What does that mean?** »

« **We're not all there, we think you're waking up to the place your subconscious is looking for, the place it needs, the place it remembers. For many it is the Earth of course, but apparently not for everyone. We aren't all together, I reassure you. You can see only those you want, if they want it too. A way to preserve peace, I think. Some apparently didn't come back at all, they only knew the Earth and there is no trace of them so we think that some people didn't come back at all. You must have thought of me at some point after you "woke up" and here I am! To be honest, I didn't think I'd be the first one to talk to you!** »

I let out a sigh of relief. I can't believe it. Death is not the end... May we meet again... finally, all this was not in vain.

« **My parents? Are they here?** »

« **Your mom and Kane did, but your dad didn't... I'm sorry. Your mom thinks that since your dad died on the ark and that's all he knew, he must have been up there.** »

I nod, a little disappointed but I don't want to ask too much.

Suddenly I realize... « **Monty? Harper? … Bellamy?** » I asked while pronouncing this last name by almost whispering it...

« **Monty and Harper are here, yes, Lincoln, Finn, Roan, Lexa, Sinclair ... There are really a lot of people who want to see you again if you wish ... Even Bellamy!** »

My breathing gets blocked as I realize... My eyes get fogged up with tears of joy, or fear, I don't know, is about to flow.

Jasper looks a little embarrassed so he continues: « **Jaha and his son are not here though, they must surely be on the Ark as well.** »

« **Bellamy... Do you think I can see him?** » Honestly I stopped thinking about anything else as soon as he said his first name.

« **I'm not the one to ask for Clarke. You have to be ready first...and I can't speak for him, but something tells me he's waiting for you... Don't you want to see your mother first? Or Lexa? Finn maybe?** »

« **No!** » I answer a little too abruptly. « **I mean, if what you're telling me is true, I'll have plenty of time to see them later, of course, I want to, but right now I need to see Bellamy. I need to know that he forgives me or if he hates me... I just need to talk to him and tell him how much it killed me what I did to him... I need to see him. How do I do that? I beg you, help me, I'll do whatever you want!** »

He smiles, sincerely, friendly. He grins at me as he hasn't done in a long time. « **That much, huh? I always knew that your relationship was special, I just didn't know how deep...** » He confirms his smile and I can see in the glow of his eyes that he finally grants me his forgiveness. « **Just close your eyes and think of him...** »

« **Jasper, I've been thinking about him since I opened my eyes in the dropship! And yet he's not the one in front of me! No offense…** »

« **I see you haven't lost your bite...** »He still smiles at me. Indeed, the tone of my voice was probably too cold...I don't want to be that person anymore. « **You were thinking about him, but admit that despite everything, you are completely terrified to face him! Your subconscious is just blocking. Let go... You'll see... I'll leave you alone now. I'll probably see you soon... I'll prepare a little mixture to celebrate your arrival. Monty will be happy to help me!** » He says to me with a wink before simply evaporating before my astonished eyes.

Okay, okay... I can do that. I have to do it. If I want to be truly at peace here I have to do it...just take a deep breath Clarke, it's okay.

Bellamy...

I hear a branch creaking outside. I shiver. I take another long breath...I approach the entrance of his tent and start to open the curtain. I see it. He is there in front of me, in front of the campfire, he turns his back on me and I take advantage of this to detail every curve of his perfect silhouette. I admire the curls of his hair that flicker with the wind...my heart beats wildly. I love him unreasonably, abnormally, madly and nothing can change that. What am I going to tell him? I'm scared like never before. What if he never forgives me this time? What if I have to live here forever with his hatred? Will there be a way for me to really end it, to be no more, for good? The tremors of my body betray me and I crack a piece of wood in my turn. He turns around.

Geez, he's beautiful. His hair is slightly longer than it was the last time I saw him and a beard is starting to appear. I'm dying to throw myself into his arms. But I don't deserve it. Forgetting the past has become impossible from the moment you experienced it. My thoughts are empty without his voice. I don't even know who I am without him. I am empty. Devoid of that half that he captured without knowing it. I could never forget him. I will never be able to stop loving him. He probably hates me, but I don't care. Me, I love him.

He turns around completely to face me, none of us move. He looks at me as only he can do: that look that is both soft and hard at the same time, a look that I can't detach myself from and in which I would like to lose myself. My arms tremble with desire to reach out to him.I love him so much that it prevents me from breathing... But I don't know if we're going to make it, I don't know how we're supposed to react in these cases, and I don't see a solution anymore. It's all my fault. I've lost him because of me. And even though it's hard, I'm taking it on.

After a few seconds, or maybe several minutes of staring intensely, one side of his lips stretches to form that little smirk that only he has the secret to... The feeling of moisture on my cheeks makes me realize that I am in tears. I wanted to stay strong, but I failed. All it took was a smile to prevent my shell from breaking. I'm exhausted from being strong, exhausted from resisting it, it was useless.

« **Bellamy I…** »

**« Shut up, Clarke.** » My heart tightens and I make a backward movement mechanically.

He moves forward one step and doesn't give me time to argue. It's a good thing, I'm speechless anyway. I can only welcome this embarrassed silence that reduces me to staring at my feet, unable to look him in the eye.« **You're going to tell me you're sorry and that you had no choice. I know it, I know you better than you know yourself. At least that's what I thought. That's not true, you had a choice, you had dozens of other choices. You could have chosen to trust me, for example...** »

I keep my head down as he goes on, more gently this time: « J **I saw what Cadoghan did Clarke. I saw everything that happened. Here, if you think very hard about the living, you can see what's happening on the other side... Anyway, there's nothing left to see anyhow, transcendence is apparently not part of the field of vision....anyway. I would never have let him torture Madi. I believed in him, in transcendence, but not at the cost of Madi's life. I would have given my life to protect her. I was hoping you knew that! I was ready to conquer the world for you! And even if you didn't trust me enough to entrust me with Madi's life, even if you doubted me... You could have handled it differently than by putting a bullet in my heart. You've broken my heart a hundred times, you know... But this time it was literal. I never thought I would die by your hand... Do you even know what that means to me? You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. But you are also the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I should hate you. I should forget your name. I should forget everything about you. Your voice, your look, your smile... But what's the use of wanting the impossible?** »

The tears are still flowing... I'm really pitiful.

« **I can imagine that yes... I don't deserve to be here... Again I'm sorry. Sorry for ruining everything, sorry for all of it. Sorry that it's come to this, sorry that I disgust you, sorry that I'm myself...** » I don't deserve him to talk to me. My guilt is taking over and reversing what little hope I have left. I bite my lip instinctively to try to control my tears that keep pouring out.

« **Stop, Clarke, it's okay. I know what you did killed you as much as it killed me. I saw it, I almost felt it... And as usual, I can't stay mad at you for long. I can only forgive you and try to understand you, to put myself in your place. Even though this time I'm having a really hard time making excuses for you, I want to move on. You've punished yourself enough. What you did to yourself... I have no words... we have a new chance here. It's not life, but it's not death either. I'm tired of forgiving you, believe me, every time, you know it's like a match that you can't light so you try with the whole packet and there's no more. I believed it more than once, I wanted to believe it in spite of myself. But you start again each time. It looks like you're doing it on purpose because you know that in any case it will happen the way you want it to, but this time you've gone too far... And yet I have already forgiven you. I swore to myself that it wouldn't happen, but I can't help it. You're here and I'm here. There is only peace here. So if you want it, I give it to you. I forgive you, because I know this time will be the right one.** »

« **I don't deserve it...I don't deserve your forgiveness...not this time. I never deserved you** » I still cry without being able to raise my eyes to him.

It is then that I feel two strong arms embracing me... I allow myself to put my head against his chest and I hear his heart beating... The sweetest and most precious sound for me now. I am surprised for a few moments and then I end up surrounding his waist in my turn, just like he did during our first embrace. I hug him as hard as I can. I can't believe I'm in his arms. How can such a good man be so kind to me after all he's been through for me?

I let go of my tears, I need them...

This moment goes on for several minutes and yet I feel like I'm being cut off a part of myself when it starts to move away. He tenderly passes his hand over my cheek to wipe away my last tears. This small gesture is enough to communicate his affection to me.

« **What if we just try to move forward? That's what I really want, Clarke. Here we can finally live in peace, even if we don't really live. It's warm, peaceful... You've given me a gift, without knowing it. I was so exhausted...now I'm finally at peace. Especially since you are here. It's probably selfish on my part, and after all I have a right to be a little selfish it seems, but I'm glad you failed and that you're not transcended. And as awful as it may be, I'm glad you're here. I really am.** »

I look at him, totally bewildered by so much kindness. Well, he just told me that he's happy that I took my own life... But I understood what he meant... Who would have thought that shooting me was the best decision I could have made?

« **What if we went for a ride, Princess? I have something to show you!** »

I don't know how to act yet, I'm still embarrassed. I understand that he has forgiven me in his own way...but I am still confused. I just nod with a stupid smile.

He takes my hand as if everything was normal between us and leads me to the forest. After a few meters in this forest so dear to my heart, I see it, I can't believe my eyes: the Rover!

« **What are you waiting for? Get in the car!** » His smile is so devastating that I forget my embarrassment and smile fully at him. I have the impression that he has found all the wildness and mischief that he once had. And I love it.

I hasten to open the door and climb into the passenger seat as he starts the engine. I watch him hit the road, unable to wipe that little smile off my face. So here we are again, he and I...I wouldn't spoil anything this time.

We hit the road without a hitch. It's calm and peaceful, a feeling of peace comes over me.

The road is not unfamiliar to me and yet I can't recognize it clearly. Everything has changed so much. It's as if it is the same Earth as before but totally different... What hasn't changed, however, is the way I feel his gaze on me while I don't even look in his direction. That kind of warm look that devours my soul when my back is turned. That glance that I am no longer able to sustain. I've always wondered how he could drive and look at me at the same time... If I could count the number of times we crashed the Rover I might have my answer... this thought brings out a little smile that he doesn't fail to notice.

« **Do you enjoy the ride?** »

« **Yes, I had missed it.** » I answer him by mechanically turning my head towards him, but immediately look away... That's not what I had missed... But it's him, being with him, sharing moments just with him... welcoming a comfortable silence and admiring the road by simply taking advantage of his reassuring presence... I decide to change the subject: « **Do I have the right to ask where you are taking me?** »

He smiles... Damn, I could blend in with his smile! « **If I tell you, it won't be a surprise...and since you don't seem to recognize the road, the effect will be even better!** »

I smile, my head down... I killed him... I killed him and he surprises me and still wants to satisfy me... I really don't deserve it. He has forgiven me so many times, but how can he forgive me for this last awful act?

« **Clarke, why aren't you looking at me? I told you I wanted to start over and forget what happened when we were...alive. Everything here is just calm and happiness. You are allowed to do that aswell. If you haven't convinced me, I am for you! It's time to forgive yourself. In the end, shooting me may have been the best thing you could have done...otherwise I wouldn't be here with the ones we lost, and you wouldn't be here either. The important thing is that we are together now. »**

I finally dare to raise my glance to contemplate this exceptional man who stands by my side through the great miracle. I shake my head timidly. When all the agreed speeches have been exhausted, it's hard to know what to say, and yet I must.

**« I'm so sorry... »**

**« I said it was over... »**

« **No, Bellamy, I need you to listen to me. I won't be able to look you in the eye until I've made a real apology, until I've explained it to you...I can never forgive myself. I'm going to have to live with it, in a way of speaking. I will never forget what I did. But just let me try to apologize, please. And I promise you that once I do, I'll make sure that I move on...don't ask me to forget what I did, but we'll never talk about it again if that's what you want....** »

He plunges his gaze into mine and seems to study the depths of my heart... He nods and lets me continue... I realize then that I don't really know what to say to him or how to find the right words. So I decide not to control anything anymore and to speak without thinking, I owe him that after all.

« **Nothing I could say to you will completely excuse me or make my guilt less heavy to bear... Believe me... But even though everything has been so fast since then, what I did hasn't stopped haunting me...I ...you were my lifeline Bell, my anchor, my rock, the heart of myself. After the loss of my mother, the only time I felt at peace was when you held me in your arms when I returned to Sanctum. I needed you more than ever. I had managed to save Madi, but I had lost my mother. Madi was still my responsibility, I had to protect her, but I felt like no one was caring for me anymore, no one but you: because that's what you and I have always done: we looked out for each other. Then you went to the stone and I understood that. I was happy for you that you were finally able to renew your relationship with Octavia, you needed it. I tried to move forward while everyone was still counting on me. I tried to deal with my mother's grief, but I didn't allow myself to really grieve as I should have. I was not allowed time to grieve. And the only person I wanted to confide in wasn't there... Then we learned of your missing and I didn't hesitate for a minute to leave Madi to go look for you, to save you... We literally went through hell before reaching Bardo where Gabriel told me that you were dead... And at that moment my world really fell apart. I died with you at that announcement. I couldn't breathe fully and everything was blurring in my brain. But then again, everyone was counting on me and I had to think about how to get them out of there... And just as my mind was starting to seriously start to collapse into madness, you miraculously came back... I don't know what you went through and I wish you could have explained it to me... I should have guessed from the coldness that you were putting into your embrace... I should have known that something was wrong.But you betrayed me. I didn't understand. What was left of me broke for good? I didn't have time to savor the fact that you were still alive that your words devastated me. I didn't know what to think, what to do... It's true that I didn't try to trust you, I should have dug a little deeper, but you know me, don't you? I don't react wisely when it comes to you or Madi. I let my disappointment and anger get the better of me.I wanted to believe that MY Bellamy was still there at some point, but everything led me to believe otherwise. Then we returned to Sanctum where I found Madi. She was all I had left. My one and only mission now would be to protect her against everyone. Nothing else mattered to me. Not even my life. And there was that damn sketchbook... I know there were lots of other ways to stop you from disclosing this to Cadoghan... But at that time...** »

I feel the tears flowing tirelessly and I have to take a few seconds before proceeding. He doesn't interrupt me. He knows that I need to empty my bag, more for my own conscience than to earn the forgiveness he has already granted me.

« **I hated you so much in the minutes that followed... I wish you hadn't shown me anything, that you had waited for me to leave... that you had at least pretended to be on my side! I forced myself to blame you for not hating myself and yet that's what happened. The very second I pulled that fucking trigger, by shooting you, I signed my death warrant. I wish your sister had yelled at me, beaten me to death, that Echo had spat in my face and tortured me a thousand times... I wish all that rage they all had against me had resurfaced and punished me. I deserved it. I wanted to scream my revolt that the world still dares to go on turning. How could time still have the audacity to go on without you, after what I had done?**

 **But instead, they understood, they comforted me... And you know what? It was actually worse! The only one who didn't understand was the one I had done it for. The only one who should have actually understood...But she knew that this gesture had destroyed me and I had destroyed any hope of a happy future.And I'm not even telling you about the moment when Madi decided to surrender and the moment when I understood that transcendence did exist, that you were right... All of this put together only annihilated me entirely. By killing you, I killed myself just the same. I wished that you had never brought me back to life. I wished that Josephine had totally taken possession of my spirit, because in any case it no longer belonged to me. The head and the heart... I' m not whole, I' m not myself without you.You have always protected me and I am well aware that many times I have been ahead of Octavia in your priorities... And look at the thanks I have given you! I don't deserve your kindness or forgiveness. I don't deserve your friendship or your affection, and I don't deserve your compassion. I don't know what I'm doing here, I should be somewhere else, suffering a thousand torments. And instead here I am, in this kind of heaven where I found Jasper who tells me that I could see again all those I have lost and who have not transcended... I find you once again granting me your forgiveness and always looking at me as if I were a good person... I don't understand anything about it. I would like to deserve all this, I only ask for it... But how can I deserve all this after all that I have done? After what I've done to you... How can I deserve you now?** »

I'm finally breathing. I got it all out straight through. I didn't take my eyes off him and his gaze joined mine on my last question. I emptied my conscience of the burden that weighed on me. I expect no answer, no reaction. I just needed him to know. I needed to say it out loud. He was always my only confidant anyway...I catch my breath as I empty my last tears...I look back at the road I still don't recognize...I'm afraid of what he's going to tell me now...I almost feel like apologizing for being honest, for admitting my feelings where a lie would be so much more comfortable, so much more acceptable.

But he knows me well. He doesn't answer anything... I feel a warm hand coming down on mine as my heart beats faster. It's strange how alive I feel when I'm dead. With this simple gesture, he shows me that we will move forward and that we will do this together as always. I have to accept this. I have to forgive myself. If he has succeeded, I must at least try. So I just relax my head against the headrest and put my other hand over his...

We drive like this for what seems to me to be more than an hour or even two. We drive through fabulous landscapes that I can now enjoy without fear of being attacked.I end up relaxing. All this is really crazy and I'm still not sure if it's real or not... But it looks that way to me! The sun is almost at the end of its course... It's going to set soon and it makes these visions even more majestic. There are roads that are beautiful, no matter where they lead, the important thing is the person who is at our side to cross them.

« **Could you please close your eyes and promise not to open them before I tell you?** »

« **Uh... Yes, of course.** » I replied clumsily. I like his teasing side. That playful little air that had annoyed me so much when I met him. That look that I couldn't stand, because my heart was beating faster every time and my skin was shivering. That charming smile that won my heart as I did everything I could to fight against this intense feeling that overwhelmed me.

I could feel the car slowing down and parking... « **Don't open the door, I'll come open the door and guide you, we'll have to continue on foot.** ».

I hear its door and I allow myself to relax a little laugh... I find myself euphoric. I don't know what he's up to, but he really has a gift for calming me down.

I find my serious mode again when he opens the door for me. I shiver once again when his hand takes mine to help me out of the vehicle. His other hand rests in the hollow of my kidneys and it is my whole being that vibrates under this contact.

« **It's okay, I got you. Just let yourself be guided. We're not too far away.** »

We walked for a few minutes when he totally let go of me to my great regret.

« **All right, you can open...** »

I can't believe my eyes... The Shallow Valley village.

I am speechless, only a few tears manage to escape from my body. But this time, they are tears of joy.

« **I thought you might want to live here, but if it bothers you or makes you think too much about Madi...or if you prefer another place....** »

« **No Bellamy... It's perfect. I'm exactly where I need to be...who I want to be with...** » I smiled at him without any restraint. He has succeeded, I feel that the old Clarke, which I thought had evaporated, is coming back to life. A feeling that I haven't felt for far too long overwhelms me: I feel good.

« **If you want me to, I would like to settle down nearby with you. There is enough room it seems to me and this village is really beautiful. I had almost not seen it and yet it is there that I went after having understood how all this works. I thought that this is where you would "wake up" but you chose the shuttle without realizing it. To be honest, you could have gone there just by thinking about it very hard, but I thought the surprise and the ride in the Rover was a good idea.** »

« **You did the right thing... Thank you... I can't thank you enough.** »

I extend my gaze to make him feel all the sincerity. I walk slowly towards the hut that was my home, but he holds me tenderly by the wrist.

« **Wait... First I have something to show you... You'll have plenty of time to get back on your feet, don't worry.** »

He takes my hand and leads me towards the forest.I know this way even if the vegetation is not quite the same anymore. It seems to me that we are heading towards the plain.

« **Would it be too much to ask you to close your eyes for a few more moments?** »

« **Your wish is my command…** » I let go, still overcome by euphoria.

So I close my eyes and let myself be carried along, he intertwines our fingers to strengthen his support. Having my eyes closed allows me to feel his touch more intensely. I can enjoy the warmth of his skin more intensely. Little butterflies are celebrating in my body. I never thought I'd feel this way again.

He stops and exerts a slight pressure on my hand to make me understand to sit down. I can feel him sitting right next to me and putting one arm around my neck. He places his hands in front of my eyes, bringing his face closer to mine. I can feel his breath against my cheek and all my senses are in turmoil. « **You can open** »He whispers to me so slowly that I think he is doing it on purpose to stir up those feelings that I am trying to contain. No doubt, I have found the playful and charming Bellamy of our beginnings for my greatest pleasure.

He slips his hands and delicately removes them from my face to reveal me this breathtaking view... It is indeed the plain. The sun has yellowed the tall grasses and the magical reflections of the twilight give the impression that the field is bathed in gold… A field of gold...This is a magnificent sight.

I am stunned, never ceasing to marvel at such beauty. I had missed the Earth, I had missed this place, but I know that none of this is really responsible for the wave of joy I feel: it's him.

« **Thank you... for being you** »

« **The pleasure is mine, Princess .** » He relies well on the pronunciation of this nickname which only sounds good from his mouth...

He is enjoying himself while lying down in the grass while I am probably contemplating him a little too lovingly. He taps the ground so that I can do the same and I must admit that I'm only asking for that.

We stay there for a few dozen minutes watching the sky unveil its magic before sinking into darkness and revealing the starlight. Naturally, without saying anything, simply savoring the closeness of our bodies, of our hearts.

I finally dare to put my hand in his and this time, this gesture is not platonic at all. I don't want it to be. I finally dare, after all his years, after all his mistakes?

He turns completely to me and I do the same...

He takes the floor: « **I patiently listened to you explain to me that you didn't deserve me, explain everything you took from me... Now I want you to listen to me explaining everything you brought me and how much you deserve my forgiveness.** »

**He must read the incomprehension in my eyes, because he doesn't wait for me to answer and carry on: « When you met me, I was a lost soul, I was heading down the wrong path, I almost became the monster I thought I already was... But you never abandoned me. In spite of all the mistakes I may have made, you always supported me, always proved that I was worth living. In spite of everything, I never thought I deserved your attention, your affection. So believe me, I know how you feel today. I want it to stop. We've both been through unimaginable things and we've always found our way back to each other. Even in death, we have managed to find each other again... The truth is that I would be lying to you if I told you it was enough for me. It's not. It never was. I was afraid of what I felt because I had never known anything like it and I didn't want to risk losing you. Life then separated us and when I finally found you, I was involved with another person. I thought you were dead and it almost killed me. Echo helped me to keep my head above water and not to sink on that ring, but she never took your place. I was a coward in prolonging this relationship on Earth, because everything changed the moment I looked into your ocean eyes again. When we met again, I was finally convinced that the glow in your eyes was the one I had been waiting for... But I loved you too soon, and you loved me too late. I kept putting off the moment when I would have to confess everything, when I would have to risk everything... And then that moment never came. You blew my heart to pieces, literally. But even at that moment, it was the sadness I saw in your eyes that destroyed me the most...some say that you recognize great Love when you realize that the only person in the world who could comfort you is precisely the one who hurts you the most. I want you to understand that I love you, I have never stopped loving you. I believe that the bond that unites us is unbreakable and if we have not been able to honor it in life, then I want us to try in death. For heaven, or wherever we are, can only truly be my home if I am by your side. Sorry to be blunt; I can't hide anymore, it would destroy me. This already cracked heart threatens to break into a thousand pieces. I know you can choose to stay with Lexa, and I'll accept it if you do. But I just need you to know that I love you more than humanly possible. I idolize you, I admire you... for better or worse.I know everything you've been through so far. I know everything you've endured, everything you've achieved...I know everything you've gone through, everything you've suffered. I know your past, and yet I am proud of you. If you've come this far, it's because each time you've been able to get up by your courage. So become aware of the strong being within you, look at yourself in your true light, see who you really are, recognize all your victories... Look at yourself as I see you and as I will never stop seeing you. I accept everything about you. No matter how you decide to "live" here ... I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what happens and that I have always loved you unconditionally.** »

My heart is on a little cloud ...I always thought that our beautiful bond was also too complicated. It was wrong, everything was just wrong, there was never anything complicated between us in the end. We are soul mates. Real ones. We were born for each other, it's obvious.

« **Please say something now...** » He begs me now.

« **I belong to you, body and soul, Bellamy Blake, I have always belonged to you and I will belong to you forever, in life and in death. It's you and me, it always has been...I could tell you that I love you but it wouldn't be strong enough to reflect the power of my feelings. You are my soul mate. And I don't want to live, or rather die, it doesn't matter, I don't want to spend another second without you, we've already wasted too much of it and we've seen that nothing good ever happens when we're not together. The others can wait a little longer. Right now, I just need you. I'm going to prove to you that every cell in my body is unconditionally in love with you. I will love you to eternity and I will never get tired of it.** »

I travel the few centimeters that separate me from her lips. I've waited so long for this moment... there is no restraint in my kiss, it's all passion. I plunge my hand into his curly hair as he grabs my waist to stick me to him... It feels so good. I want more, I'll never be full. I want us to unite and blend our bodies together... I can't think of anything else but him anymore. So that's what happiness is all about? If someone had told me that it is in death that I will find it ...

We take off when we can't breathe. He runs his index finger over my smiling lips and says: « **So Princess, what now?** »

I answer him with a broad smile that reflects the intensity of my happiness. I caress his cheek and finally tell him with a mischievous look: « **Now we can do whatever the hell we want! Whatever but together!** » And I seal these words with a kiss that tastes of happiness and eternity.


	2. After the 7x16 : Welcome to the new age

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This second OS happens just after the last episode. I was supposed to write another option where Bellamy would be on the beach with the others but I read a just perfect one so I preferred to write something completely different. I hope you like it! The original version is available in French ...

Once again, I wipe the tears from my cheeks... Once again, I find myself there, in this sinister place, crying about my fate, about his...

I don't know how or why my feet always bring me back here; in the hall of this bunker that has housed too many atrocities to be count.

Without even realizing it, I often find myself sitting on those stairs. The same stairs where I once decided that his life was more important than the fate of all mankind, more important than the fate of our people. That was hundreds of years ago and yet that memory still haunts me...I spared him that day, and it all came to this.

I am ashamed, so ashamed that I am not happy. But how can I be happy? I don't want to seem ungrateful, I know that my friends have "sacrificed" themselves so as not to leave me here alone. I am well aware that they could have had an eternity of fulfillment and that instead they came back to Earth, living a human life, without being able to have descendants, knowing that when they gave their last breath, there would be nothing behind it.

At first I was surprised by their decision, touched, relieved, and even happy. I couldn't see myself living a whole life alone with my inner demons. Picasso would have been my only reason to stay alive, I would not have abandoned him. But I would simply have breathed without living fully, to atone for my sins, because I know that I don't deserve to be happy. Not after everything I've done. Not after I took her life. And that's what I do anyway, surrounded by my friends, the only family I have left, but so alone inside. And yet the atmosphere is excellent, peaceful, warm ...

I actively participate in the life of the camp. We are building a little more each day and it's starting to take shape. We will really soon have a real little village all to ourselves. It's just us anyway.

My relationship with each one of them is really restored and my mistakes of the past have obviously been totally forgiven. Even Raven and Murphy, who were particularly aggressive and hostile towards me, had buried the hatchet, and I have grown very close to Murphy. After Octavia, he was the one I felt closest to.In spite of our many mistakes, the three of us managed to get past our dark side...well, they both did, I'm not so sure about that. I hadn't proven anything until now. I hadn't made amends and I'll probably never get the chance again. So, participating, helping, smiling and putting some of my own into every minute I spent with them was the only thing to do.

Speaking of Octavia, I still couldn't believe how easily she and Echo had forgiven me. Not that I was complaining about it, on the contrary. I needed Octavia, she was now all that connected me to him, and even though she was now older than me because of her stay on Skyring, I couldn't help but feel responsible for her, like a little sister; and strangely enough, I think she felt the same connection as well. I had come close to her naturally, as if we were both bound by something that was beyond us, or rather someone we had lost...love for the same being, the same person I had thought it was worth sacrificing that cursed day.

In fact, she is the only one who knows where I go to isolate myself periodically. The others think that I go for a walk in the forest to take some time for myself, as everyone does more or less. Octavia knows that I go to the hall of the damn bunker. She followed me one day, worrying about me. She came down to join me when I know how much she hates this place which reminds her of the monster she once was. I wasn't surprised more than that to see her.I knew that if anyone could understand, it was her. She didn't ask any questions, it was useless since she knew why this place was so important to me. This place where I had once let Bellamy open the hatch so that he could save her at the risk of our fate being doomed. This place where I had become truly aware of those feelings that I had been repressing since we landed on Earth, when I had looked into her penetrating gaze. Yes, that's when I realized that I was completely and irretrievably in love with Bellamy Blake.

Of course, I already knew it, I was doing everything I could to repress this love that was overwhelming me a little more each day, but which terrified me. I had already loved, of course, at least I think I had. Finn, maybe. Lexa, probably. But what I felt for Bellamy was much more than that, it was beyond reason, beyond the heart, beyond the mind, beyond time and space. I felt bound and connected to him, my soul mate. And on that day, I proved my love... And when I hadn't hesitated to let my mother hang herself or stab Finn to save as many people as possible, I had been unable to sacrifice Bellamy to preserve our people. If I was missing one last piece of the puzzle to confirm my devotion, it was given to me in this hall...

So yes, I felt the need to come here. The need to suffer for my mistake. I killed the man I loved. I killed him because I thought I was saving my child. A mother's love has no limits and even though Madi doesn't have my blood, I consider her my daughter. I miss her very much. But I know that she is peaceful and happy where she is and that's all I wanted. Living without her is my punishment. I didn't think about it. I haven't been myself since those few days that went by way too fast. He had changed...but so had I. He saved my life by sharing his breath with mine. His head ordering my heart to beat, mine blew his...I still can't understand why and how I was able to do it. Anger, fear, disappointment, jealousy? Maybe yes. But that doesn't excuse anything. I was so confused, lost, pushed to the limit... When I pulled the trigger, I knew that my action would also put an end to what was left of me, of my heart, of my soul. And maybe that's what I was looking for in the end. I had tried several times to end my life, on Earth, on Sanctum. I hadn't hesitated to go to the front lines to sacrifice myself many times... And by shooting, I finally managed to kill myself from the inside, but I dragged him into my fall and that's something I will never forgive myself for. I would give anything to take his place and give him a chance to live or even transcend if that was his wish... But unfortunately there is nothing I can do. Then I will live with it and suffer for the rest of my life.I owe it to myself to smile in front of my friends, to act normally. I don't want them to think I'm ungrateful that they came back for me. But deep down inside, I am consumed with grief, I deserve it. And Octavia knows it.

When she came to me, she told me that she knew Bellamy and I shared something special. She told me that she knew that I felt more than friendship for him and that her brother shared the same feelings. According to her, she knew this even before we wanted to admit it to each other and she thought we were so stupid and blind not to realize it. She had analyzed our relationship as we talked to each other and noticed that we finally admitted it to ourselves, but we were still unable to see that our feelings were reciprocal. Neither of us wanted to take the first step that would simplify everything. According to her, he had loved me too soon, and I had loved him too late, although the feelings were still present and even more powerful than before ...

She didn't talk about what I did, no, she just explained in a long speech that Bellamy would also have forgiven me as he always did when it came to me, noticing that he had always forgiven me much more easily than her. She ended by telling me that he would have wanted me to turn the page and take advantage of this second chance, to find love, to live as she had managed to do... Yes, I knew that Gaia was just waiting for a little sign from me to try to be closer. But I wasn't ready and I seriously doubted that I would ever be ready. Having a good time like with Niylah, why not... But a serious relationship? My heart was already taken. My heart had actually exploded along with yours and you had taken my life with you... She didn't deserve that. Sometimes it is better to be alone than to be with someone who is not 100% invested in the relationship.

And here I am again today, in the same place once again, my eyes reddened from having cried too much. My mind so tortured by all these regrets...I need to make more effort, not for me no, I don't deserve it. But for them. They don't deserve my depressed look even though few of them must have realized it. I need to dry my tears and move on.

That's what I tell myself every day I find myself here...and yet I can't do it. I feel like I'll never make it. I need to take this time for myself, to think only of him and everything I've lost, everything I've sacrificed, the biggest mistake of my life. I need to mutilate my mind. That's my way of doing penance. So, instead of getting up and going back to my new family, I take my head in my hands and start crying again...

« **Clarke …** » I recognize this deep voice that makes every cell in my body vibrate. Hers. My mind plays tricks on me. I'm going crazy, it's official.

Even though I know it's impossible, I can't help but raise my head to what seems to be the source of this voice that I miss so much.

Holly shit! Either I'm completely crazy, or the damn judge came to torture me himself, but in either case, it's Bellamy I see there in front of me, looking at me with all the compassion that characterizes him.

I blink my eyes, shake my head, take a deep breath. He is still there, motionless. So maybe I'm a little less alienated than I thought. The second option seems to be looming. Fucking judge! I still preferred Lexa's appearance. At least it didn't break my heart any more than it already was and I felt I could hold his gaze. This is clearly not the case. I take my head in my hands and blow: « **What do you want from me? I thought I was done with you? Please change your face, it's a really low blow from you to do this to me. Believe me I don't need you to torture my mind, I'm very good at doing it alone! So go find your damn lights!** »

« **Clarke... it's me...** » He imitates him so well. It' s not to be mistaken. I quickly realized that Lexa wasn't Lexa. The body was the same, but nothing else looked like her. This is different...strange, too real, too him.

« **I told you to leave me alone, don't you have your lights to take care of or other species to judge? »** I urged him with my best condescending tone.

**« Clarke... please look at me... »** His voice is soft and warm, exactly the same intonation as the real his. So I can't bring myself to ignore him. In any case, if he really is the judge, I know he won't let me off so easily, so I might as well confront him, once again, and also confront the face of the man I loved and took the life of. So I gently look up, lingering on every detail of his silhouette, every perfectly drawn dimple, the curls of his hair that I have so often had the desire to upset and that have grown back just enough to be able to fall slightly on his eyes. My heart capsizes in spite of himself in front of such perfection. Apollo himself could be hiding in front of him. I have already seen many beautiful people. But him ... It's something else, his inner beauty radiates his physical perfection and that makes him unique, precious ...

« **It's really me. Bellamy...** » It is impossible! Unreal. But... I want so much to believe it when he stares at me, eating my soul like he is doing. It's his gaze, the only one that can probe my mind.It's unbelievable, but it's just as unbelievable as he can imitate it that much.The truth is that I'm dying to believe it. « **Your Bellamy** »This precision he gives me in slow motion makes me shiver from head to toe. That's all I needed. Hope is reborn.

« **Bellamy ?** » My voice is hoarse from the tears that have already been shed and those that are ready to flow. If I let them cross the borders of my eyes, they will not stop.

He nods his head and stretches his lips to give me that smirk that only he has the secret: « **Hello Princess.** »

It's too much, I let the flood of tears fall, but they are tears of happiness this time. I don't know why or how, but it's him. My first reflex is to throw myself into his arms as I have done so many times...but I take it upon myself, not knowing what he expects from me after our last exchange that caused his loss. He must surely hate me, hate me. After all, hate and love are closely related. My eyes instinctively fixate on the place I pierced a few weeks earlier. Of course, I can't see it through his clothes. I notice then that he is no longer wearing that ugly white dress of Bardo's, but the clothes he wore the last time I hugged him on Sanctum, during that hopeful embrace that made me think that it would only be a matter of a day before we would be free to reveal our feelings that had become obvious.

He' s gorgeous, he always has been anyway. He's even better than that, he's perfect. And above all, he is alive. At least... I think so. If I just allowed myself to touch him, I could be sure...

I leap to my feet, elated by the passion and euphoria that overwhelms me. But I can't manage to move towards him for all that. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.

« **It's okay Clarke, it's okay...I know, I know you're sorry.** » Of course he knows, but that doesn't change anything. I'm on the verge of collapse. I can feel my knees giving way and there's not much left for me to literally fall apart at any moment. He must feel it, because he is the one who walks towards me and takes me in his arms...« **Hey, it's going to be fine...** »

« **I'm so sorry...** » I manage to pronounce between two sobs.

« **I'm here now.** » I bury my head against his neck. It's definitely his smell, his skin. I will recognize them among a thousand. He is alive, in flesh and blood. I don't know how, but he is. He is alive and I am in his arms. I didn't ask for anything more even though I know in my heart that I don't deserve it. I try to pull myself together and the pressure of his arms around my body naturally helps to calm me down. As it always has. After a few seconds, or maybe minutes, I don't know, I managed to reduce the flow of tears coming out of my eyes. I hesitate to step back a little to be able to look at him and talk to him, but I can't bring myself to let go of that precious embrace. So I simply let everything escape against the hollow of his neck: « **How?** »

Unfortunately, he seems to want to stare at me and it's him who takes a step backward and breaks our attachment. However, he seems to want to keep the bond as he slides his hands to mine, interlacing his fingers with mine. I recognize every curve of his hands, every fold, every scratch. His gaze deeply ingrained in my soul, he smiles mischievously at me. It's been a long time since I've seen that smile and I feel thousands of butterflies buzzing in my belly. I tell myself then that I must look awful to look at, pathetic, with red and puffy eyes from crying too much... He doesn't seem to care and looks at me with the same admiring look that has always comforted me in the worst moments.

« **You might want to sit down...** » This proposal confirms to me the fact that I must look pathetic!I shake my head and then go back to the stairs, but I keep one hand in his hand to incite him to accompany me, which he does without hesitation.

We both sit down on the same steps that I lamented earlier.

« **Clarke, when you shot...** » I don't let it continue and these simple words are enough to revive the ocean that escapes my eyes. I turn my head away and cry without being able to control myself. « **Stop Clarke, please I need you to listen to me. I know how much you regret and that if you could turn back the clock you would do things differently, believe me, I know! But it's in the past and we can't change anything. The future, on the other hand, is in our hands, and it starts today. So dry your tears, because I've always hated to see you cry, and listen to me...okay?** »

I shake my head while wiping my wet cheeks and take a few breaths to try to control my emotions.

So he continues: « **You didn't aim as well as you think Clarke. I should give you a little shooting lesson again... »** He teases me by alluding to our first rapprochement in the weapons storage room and this simple memory is enough to calm me down slightly. **« The bullet did a lot of damage, but it passed within a few millimeters of the heart, it didn't hit it. You failed me, Wanheda.** » This reference doesn't make me laugh at all.

« **I should have stayed with you... I...** »

« **Stop, you promised to let me talk...** »

« **I'm sorry, go on.** »

« **I was out of it and I quickly sank into unconsciousness, thinking I was going to give my last breath and to be honest, I was torn between the fear of dying, the sadness that it was your hand that took my life, but also the relief of ending all this chaos… Anyway, I woke up, if we can say that, in a really strange place, I thought I was in paradise, because my mother appeared to me. She was glowing in the same light as the first time I saw her, when I had to climb that damn mountain...** » My interrogating glance must have caught his eye, because he thought it would be good to specify « **That's another story I'll take the time to tell you later...** »

I'm still nodding my head since I promised to let him speak without interruption.

« **Then my mother walked up to me and I realized that it wasn't really her. I had transcended. I'll leave the details to you, but she explained to me that Sheidheda had convinced the guards still alive on Sanctum to take me back to Bardo with him. He's a scumbag, but this guy is a man of his word. He promised to help me and that's what he did. Once on Bardo, I was treated. Well, that's a big word. They didn't really have time to treat me because of the extent of the damage and the short time it took. But their care was enough to keep me alive, unconscious, but alive. So when the test took place and the human race transcended, I was part of it.** »

I let out a sigh of satisfaction that earned me a broad smile.

« **My mother, or whoever she was, then explained to me that I had the choice to evolve or to remain human. I asked where you were and she explained everything to me. She told me that our friends had chosen not to let you carry this burden alone for once and that was a relief. But I didn't feel ready, I still had anger, disappointment in me. So she gave me some time to think about it. According to her, I was in an exceptional situation and my actions deserved to be tolerated by her. Moreover, she confided that perhaps she was a little too harsh in judging you and that this possibility would then be her gift to you if I finally decided to come back to you.... She then gave me 1 human month. But time passes differently there. Only a few days passed for me. Anyway, I was fine, really. No sooner had she granted me this period of reflection than a little brown head threw itself into my arms: Madi.** »

I start crying again, but with joy this time. Knowing that they were both there fills me with a soothing warmth.

« **Madi told me what I had missed in her own way... of course, she pleaded your case even though she didn't really need it. When I learned what Cadogan is doing to her, I realized that even if I was right to believe in transcendence, I would never have to trust Bill. I will never have forgiven myself for putting Madi in his hands...what he did to her. What you've been through... it's awful, Clarke. I'm as sorry as you are...believe me.** »

My heart clings to the memory of Madi's body, inert on this table of M-cap ...

« **We've often watched what happens here, you know, because yes, they can from up there. Madi is happy, fulfilled, with her friends. Everyone loves her as you can imagine. She even has a boyfriend, Lucas. I didn't like it at first, but he's a nice guy... Anyway, time passed and the more I looked around here, the more I wanted to be by your side. There is no more chaos, no more war, just peace. I could see you lamenting on these steps, crying for me. And without my realizing it, I had no trace of resentment left in me and I had definitely forgiven you. I had my answer: a peaceful eternity without you or a human life on earth at your side. My choice was made.I said goodbye to Madi and she made me promise to tell you how happy she was, that she loved you and would never forget you. And then...here I am!** »

I open my mouth in amazement.

« **I forgive you Clarke, as I always have. I just want to move forward now. With you, really, the way it always should have been.** »

« **It's too good to be true. I really don't deserve it ...I don't deserve you.** » I let it slip away.

« **Trust me, if there's one person who deserves to be happy, it's you. You may not realize it, but I do. Everything you've been through, all the losses, the suffering, the choices and the responsibilities... It's just too much for one person. Obviously, you've broken down, you've changed. But I'm here now, and I won't abandon you, I'll remind you of who you are deep down inside every day if I have to. You are exceptional Clarke...don't say you don't deserve me, ever. It is in large part because of you that I became the man I am today.** »

I gaze at him and my heart burns. Words slip out of my mouth and I can't hold them back. Those words that have been on the edges of my lips all these years: « **I love you** »

He smiles. Geez, that smile is beautiful... « **I know, and I love you too. I loved you from our first glance even if I didn't understand this feeling afterward. I have never stopped loving you and I know that I will love you for the rest of my life, every day a little more. We have a second chance, you and I. Let's live it to the fullest.** »

Words are superfluous now. Words are not enough anyway to express the intensity of what I feel. Actions speak louder than words. So I passionately put my lips against his and seal our bond with an intense, desperate kiss. The frustration and envy present these hundreds of years are reflected in the power of this connection. I crave more, I crave him in his entirety. But I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to ruin anything. I want to make every moment spent with him unique and wonderful...and this bunker, for all it represents, is far from being the ideal place.

But that kiss...no words could describe it. I feel that it breathes life into me, the real one, the promise of a radiant and precious future. I feel like I'm getting back the part of me that I always felt missing. So this is the feeling you get when you finally unite with your soul mate, this intense and indefinable fullness?

Our lips split, out of breath... « **Maybe you want to join the others? Your sister?You can be proud of her, you know, Octavia has matured a lot, she also has a lot to tell you.** »

« **I know yes...I saw it all, remember you. We'll go and find them, yes... but not right away. We have time. We have a whole life for that. For the moment, I just want to savor this moment and keep you a little for myself...I've waited more than a century for this moment to come and I want to enjoy it. This is our moment. Our moment to ourselves. Right now, I need nothing but you.** »

« **I was hoping you'd say that ... Me too, I only need you, right here, right now, for the rest of my life ... Now shut up and kiss me again until our lips are worn out ... now that I've tasted you, I'll never be able to do without you again.** »

« **Whatever you want Princess… Whatever the hell you want…** »


End file.
